Cringe Alert! But also...growth.

I was looking for sketches of my custom-made wedding dress for my twin. Not my actual twin, but more like a sister to me than anything. She's definitely family. She is trying to get her dress altered for her son’s upcoming wedding and I had referred her to my dress designer. Searching through my old emails, I tried to search by using “wedding dress”, “sketch”, “connie tao” as keywords and a really old entry I had written popped up on my search results. I had created a “dump” email account when my ex and I had broken up. When I say the way I cringed at my own words – I cannot even begin to describe it to you. How can someone give themselves 2^nd hand embarrassment?! HOLY. So here is that entry below. I’m actually embarrassed to share it lol, but at the same time, my life now has changed so much since. This is an entry about growth & change.

January 12, 2008. 
(About 3 months before we officially broke up and I think a week or weeks before I found out about the other person.)

 for a decade we've been playing a game of tug-o-war.  im feeling a little exhausted.  and quite disappointed at the fact that we're still standing at about the same spot as we were when we first started this game of tug-o-war.  i find myself inching towards the end of my rope, wanting to let go and let you win.  in the end, i refuse to let myself give up because i dont want to lose.  am i not willing to let go because i have too much ego?  that i would go to great distances just to win?  what if i did win in the end?  will i be happy?  will i be satisfied with the outcome?  or am i just trying to win so i can have some instant gratification?  i dont know.  ive been wanting to let go of the rope for quite some time now.  right now, i dont think i want anything more than to let go. 

there are so many things i want to say.  but i was never given that chance.  you never gave me the chance to say what i wanted to say because you simply did not want to hear it.  ive never had my heart broken so many times by the same person.  why do i continue to let you break it?  im tired of this game, im tired of always trying to find excuses to defend your actions.  i wish i didnt care so much.  i wish i never loved as much as i did.  i feel like a fool.  my stupidity allowed myself to get lost in this game.  my stupidity even allowed me to give up so much thinking and believing that you'd do the same for me when the time came.  you proved me wrong.  you are right, i am naive.  i shouldnt have allowed myself to get so involved.  i should've known better and i should've seen it coming.  i guess im just in denial.

sitting here, realizing that im in denial does not depress me.  but it does anger me.  allowing myself to believe that one day you'll love me as much as i love you or even more.  but that day will never come.  just like how the day that you'll take me to ventura will never come.  do you know what it feels like to have your heart shattered by the one person that you have loved, cared for, missed or shared your most intimate secrets and thoughts with over and over again?  do you know what it feels like to feel betrayed by the one you love?  the one person that you trust your everything with?  that one person you thought you can turn to for support?  then one day you come to realize that this person was not that person, do you feel like you just dont want to live anymore?  i have and i am a living example of that.  but luckily, my sanity brings me back to reality and in reality i do want to continue living.  i want to find out what true love is.  what it means to be blissful. 

at night i silently cry myself to sleep.  because reality does hurt and it stinks.  i wish i could get away from reality for a while.  let myself heal and recover.  pick up the broken pieces and piece them back together again, piece by piece.  i feel like i have aged so much in the last couple of years.  the crows feet appear when i smile.  im beginning to see wrinkles across my forehead like snakes slithering across sand.  the puffy red eyes and eyebags makes me look like a drug addict suffering from withdrawals.  everything seems to head south even though it shouldnt head that direction for a few more years.  maybe my entry is a little dramatic but this is exactly how i feel inside.  you cant control the way i think or feel, but your actions speak louder than words.  and so far, your actions have told me that i should no longer continue to invest into this dying relationship. 

you keep me around for convenience.  keep me at your disposal.  how can i explain it in words and context that you can undertand?  i cant.  because you refuse to see it from MY point of view.  in your eyes, you dont think you did anything wrong. but then again, when was the last time that you admitted that you've made a mistake?  when was the last time you have sincerely apologized to me whether it was your fault or not?  when was the last time you have sincerely complimented me?  tell me that im still beautiful in your eyes.  you never told me that my makeup looked flawless or told me how soft my skin feels against yours.  you've never told me that a certain outfit brings out all the features that makes me stand out from an average girl.  when was the last time you made me feel special?  made me feel that i was important to you?  did you ever think of buying me flowers just because?  did you ever buy me something simply because you thought of me?  when was the last time you called to tell me just how much you've missed me?  when was the last time you told me with genuine sincerity, "I Love You"?  please stop taking me for granted.  i can only take so much.  i can only handle so much pressure, burden and pain from you.  i can only take so much.  i thought i could depend on you for support.  i thought you were always gonna be my shoulder to cry on.  someone that i can turn to when i want to get away from my problems.  but you're not that person.  it doesnt matter how badly or how much i want you to be THAT person, you're simply not.  i had to learn it the hard way, and quite possibly by taking the longest route to reach that decision.  when will this all end? 

you are a good person and you definitely make a great friend.  a friend that can be kept for a lifetime.  i think you'd treat me better if we were just friends and nothing more.  but i dont think if i can even have that in my life right now.  you've hurt me so many times before.  you've hurt me in ways that you would never hurt your friends.  i tend to hold grudges.  i cant guarantee you that i will not hold a grudge against you but it will take a lot from me in order to be able to let go of this rope and try to make amends in hopes that it will turn out for the better for us.  life isnt fair.  you cant go back and fix any mistakes you've made.  you can go back and change your life around so that the outcome would be different.  i have to wake up from my fairy tale dream now.  the fairy tale wedding, wearing my perfect wedding dress with hundreds of people in attendance watching my dad walk me down the aisle and sending me off to live my life with that one person that i will be tied to eternally by an invisible bond strong enough to keep us together through joy and pain, laughter and tears, sickness and in health, for richer or poorer.  wake up from the dream home that we'd build together.  wake up from the fairy tale family of plenty of puppies and possibly 3 kids, 2 boys and a girl.  wake up knowing that you're not going to be the last person i see before i go to bed at night and the first person i see every morning.  i need to wake up from this fairy tale lie that i've been living for the past 10 years....

So, here’s my true entry for TODAY. July 21, 2026.

Reading that entry was…cringey. Like, who was that girl? She was so indecisive, weak, insecure, and clearly very delusional.

At the time, I truly believed that we were still in love with each other when the signs were so clear. I was right on one thing though; I was in denial. Looking back now, I am disappointed in myself. Disappointed in how little I loved myself and how little respect I’ve shown myself. I allowed myself to be insecure because of how someone else treated me. Because of the lack of love and respect I’ve shown myself, I allowed another person to treat me the same way and continued to let it go on, for 10 fucking years. I felt like I wasn't deserving of love. Because who'd love someone like me? My family was dependent of me, they were a burden in my life (in his words), my family was poor, I didn't have a degree (or education), I was dumb, and at the time, I was getting "fatter".

My “fairy tale” was to be married to him. To build a family and a home with him. To be loved by him. To actually want 2 boys and 1 girl with him. But that never happened. I wasn’t okay when that dream was shattered by betrayal.

Life is funny in so many ways though. Because today, I AM married to the love of my life. Almost everything I’ve wanted from him, that I never got. I got it with my HUSBAND, the true love of my life. And the crazy part? I never had to ask him for it. The “I’m thinking about you” and “I miss you” calls or texts. The compliments on my outfit, my makeup, my hair, even down to my purses or shoes. He’d bring things home for me because he knew I would love it. The home we’ve been building together, our trips (added bonuses). Down to the day he came to pick me up and made me his wife. My Dad got to send me off in the whole traditional Chinese wedding just like I had written about. The hundreds of guests at our wedding (it was close to 500), my custom-made wedding dress down to the very detail that I handpicked, our vows to each other, almost everything I had ever wanted, my husband gave that to me, and he’s never read this post I wrote in 2008 to this “dump” email. This post that I had completely forgotten about. The only thing we’re missing are the 2 boys and 1 girl. Maybe that’s why the universe didn’t choose us to be parents because that would make my life too perfect. I guess we need a litttttttttle bit of drama lol. I’m glad he didn’t pick me in the end, because I wouldn’t have all that I have now if he did. I got my blissful marriage, I got the person that loves me and respects me always, the person that always puts me first, the person that looks at me like he’s seeing me for the first time, the person that loves me exactly the way I am. He’s loved me at my best, my worst and now in my glow up era. I say glow up because my health has gotten better and my career is growing. Everything I’ve ever wanted in 2008 from someone else that was emotionally unavailable, I have today – just with someone else. The 2008 me just didn't know how lucky I was going to be in the near future. The 2008 me didn't know how lucky I was about to be in 2010, when I met my husband for the first time. And as they say, the rest is history.

Oh, I am also wrong about the whole "friend" thing lol. Friends don't treat friends this way. Friends don't disrespect each other and betray each other. I'm so glad that my current circle of friends aren't like that. They love me and love my husband equally as much. That was one thing I never really got either, my friends didn't care for him. I never understood why. Now, it makes absolute sense. 

This post isn't about bashing my past, this post is for me. It is my own personal growth chart. Life may have seemed so bleak back then, but it's so bright now. It's currently 11PM and I have a 4AM wake up call to visit one of my jobsites. After I finish off my workday tomorrow, my husband and I will be flying to New York at 9:30PM for a quick getaway. And I didn't even have to ask. Late last year, he asked me, "Wanna go to NY next year?" And all I said was, "Sure! That sounds like fun!".  After we showered last night, we climbed into bed and husband asked, "Where should we go for vacation next year?" "How about Santorini! Greece!" "Isn't that kind of close to Iran?" "I don't know? Is it? How about Bora Bora?!" My husband never had to "promise" me anything, because he makes it happen. Life should be this simple. Love should be this effortless. Respect is a two way street, but it also starts from within. I'm so glad that I'm a little older and also a little more wiser. And I am so glad that I love myself a lot more today than I did back in 2008.