It's been a while...

 

Hello.  I haven’t updated in quite some time; I suppose that I am overdue for an update.  What has happened in the last few months? A lot. There are things that I feel comfortable sharing and some I am hesitant to share. Mostly, because I’m afraid that it would affect my professional life – but ehhhh, it’s my personal page, and if my current employer find my page, so be it.  I am entitled to share my own thoughts and opinions on the matter. So, I guess I’ll start there.

              I am approaching my 3 year work anniversary in less than a month. To be quite honest, I felt like I really kicked ass in my professional career last year, despite everything that I was going through.  Full time school, full time work, and an occasional side event/wedding.  Come to find out that this was not the case during my review. In fact, it was quite the opposite. I was told that one of my project managers wanted me fired! I was pretty shocked to be honest. Only because I’ve always taken so much pride in my job and my work. I always try to handle my tasks within a timely manner. I truly believed that I was doing a great job but I was wrong. Without elaborating too much, my project managers (a total of 3) felt that I dropped the ball on a lot of my duties and tasks, that I spent more time socializing than doing my job, and that I wasn’t doing my job as told. When our sales manager (my project managers’ boss) addressed specific issues with me, I owned up to it. I wanted to rebuttal but that feeling just didn’t sit well with me, it would become a situation where it was “he said, she said” and it would start looking like I was being resistant with my superiors?  I had to learn to swallow my pride and let it go so that we can move forward. If you know me, you know that would not sit well with me. I am a prideful person, if I made a mistake, I would own up to it. If I feel that I have been wronged, I will fight till the end, but given that this was work related, I had to maintain my professionalism and let it go. Was it fair? No, I absolutely did not think it was fair. Did it affect how my managers viewed me? Yes, I think it affected my overall review and my merit compensation. It’s a very hard team to be on because I feel one of my project managers can be unreasonable with his demands. And I know and see that he treats me unfairly. Yes, this should be something I need to address with HR, but I am also afraid of retaliation. Ultimately, that is why I had stayed mum through this entire ordeal.  It doesn’t matter if other project managers sees how hard you work or how dedicated you are to your job, but when your direct managers/supervisors do not have your back – nothing matters. I want to be on a team that will have my back, I’m not talking about having people lie for me – but people that want to groom me and help me grow. I want to be on a team that has my best interests, sees me as part of their team.  When I took on this job/position, I was ready to stand by my team, through thick and thin, good or bad. We were supposed to be one unit – but it stopped feeling that way after the performance review because I felt betrayed. The term, “getting thrown under the bus” doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt. This was back in October. Since then, I’ve kept my guard up. I also found that I no longer feel pressured to put in the extra effort after my 8 hours each day, I didn’t feel pressured to work on the weekends without getting paid OT. Maybe pressured isn’t the right word, maybe motivation or motivated is a better word to describe my lack of enthusiasm to work harder. I would be lying if I said it doesn’t bother me because it does. This isn’t who I am. I have always been a workaholic, not that it’s a good or healthy habit – maybe this is a blessing in disguise, it’s a sign for me to take a step back and put my mental health first. At the end of the day, I need to remember that it’s “just a job”. If I feel unappreciated, and if nothing changes, I can always move on. I don’t need to settle – as with everything else in life. Never settle.

              What’s next?  School? I in my final semester at Cal Poly Pomona. I can hardly believe it. Last semester was so hard because I took my capstone class with 4 other classes. Rather than taking it this semester, I took it a semester earlier just to get it out of the way. It was a very heavy semester, not to mention it was the first semester back that was in person.  The hardest part was getting grouped with 3 other students that didn’t seem to care about the class. One guy stopped responding and didn’t even put in any effort into the final group project! It was a 30 page strategic audit of a company that HE had picked. One other girl was also not very responsive and the last group member is an international student that didn’t speak English very well. I complained to the professor and asked him to group me with a different team, but he told me “not to worry”. I ended up taking my last 2 personal days off from work to complete this paper. Out of 30 pages, I wrote and put together 22 of those pages and the slides for our presentation. That was some bullshit. But I am so glad that that semester is over now. I am hoping that these last 2 classes will be a breeze and that it’ll go by quickly and painlessly. I still have not decided if I want to walk for our graduation or not. Some of my classmates that I’ve grown close to and have become friends with are walking…so maybe I can be convinced to do the same. Embarrassingly, I will be the first in our family to graduate from college.  I must give so much credit to my wonderful husband to making this possible for me. He takes care of all the bills at home, he also handles all the chores on my behalf. He does the dishes every night after dinner, he does our laundry, tends to the dog and takes out all the trash. Whenever I had events, he also helps me process the flowers as well as cleaning out all the trash afterwards. He is also there by my side during the setup and delivery. He even learned how to make some of my favorite dishes. The universe blessed me with the greatest love of my life. I don’t think there’s anyone else out there that loves me as much as this man does. Well, besides my family – maybe lol.  He’s been my greatest cheerleader – when I’m stressed and in tears, he’s there to hug me and tell me that everything will work out and it’ll be okay. When I was going through all that work drama, he’s been my rock. I don’t know how I ever got so lucky – everyday feels like a dream. Sometimes when I look over at him when he’s still sleeping, I smile because I still can’t believe that we’re married and that he chose me to be his life partner and chose to love me, including all my flaws.

              What about my flora business? This is the 2^nd time I’ve had to close for business for Valentine’s Day. Since taking over in 2011, Joey and I never really celebrated Valentine’s Day. We’ve always worked Valentine’s Day. The first time we closed for orders was when my grandparents passed and their funerals were right before Valentine’s Day/Lunar New Year. But since this is my final semester in school, and Valentine’s Day falling on a weekday, I’ve decided it’s a good time to end my retail business.  I told Joey that I am excited and looking forward to converting my she-shed to a little nook for my arts & crafts or hang out spot. I want to put a cute little day bed in there, a tv, desk, my arts & crafts supplies and it’ll just be a tiny nook for me to spend my spare time in. As well as a place to hang out when I have my girlfriends over. But first things first, after graduation, Joey and I want to focus more on starting a family. It’s not that we’ve ever stopped trying, it’s just I have a lot of medical issues – mainly, it’s my thyroid.  It’s causing a lot of feminine problems.  Not to mention, my body is probably going through a lot of stress trying to manage work, school and floral business. I’ve been averaging just 3-4 hours of sleep a night for quite a while now, that can’t be healthy.  I’m a functioning insomniac lol.  I hope to give the rest of my free time to starting a family with Joey once I am done with school. He’s allowed me to be selfish enough!