Can I ever un-love you?

    Since my last post, nothing much has changed in our personal lives. I’m still grieving our failed IVF journey. We’re focusing on each other more and on our overall health together. It hasn’t been easy because it’s so easy to eat junk foods, drink soda (for me) and snack on candies and sweets. This is the biggest problem that led to the failed IVF. It was a plethora of things including age, poor health, bad eating habits, poor sleeping habits, high levels of stress and lack of exercise. And this is what we’ve been focusing on, is trying to eat better, sleep better, move more, etc. Sadly, I threw out my back last weekend when we were helping my brother set up for his baby shower.  Yep, I’m going to be an auntie again!  This time, I’m a REAL auntie. My cousin has 2 little boys, whom I love and adore, they’re also my nephews, but they’re not the same as a niece/nephew that are offsprings from your siblings. Anyway, yes, I threw out my back so I’ve been in pain all week with limited mobility. I worked from home 2 days last week and powered through the pain on Thursday & Friday and showed up to the office.

    How’s work been? Well, interestingly enough, my work life has been somewhat positive. Remember the manager that I was having issues within the past? He’s come around and has been supportive of my growth at work. He actually told me that I’ve earned his respect because he sees how much I’ve been doing, which was above and beyond my role. I told him that wasn’t something new, I get things done behind the scenes. He mentioned that I can’t sit there behind the screen and just get things done, I need to vocalize it because people don’t know how much I do if I don’t speak up. My philosophy had always been, if you work hard, they’ll see it because the results speak for itself.  Apparently, it doesn’t! He’s been coaching me a lot in terms of being a great Project Engineer. He even reminded me to write down all the things I’ve been doing that’s outside of my typical role of a Project Coordinator and bring that up in my review this year. I’ve been feeling more confident as I’ve been learning more and attending more of the engineering training. It hasn’t been easy, learning and juggling more work, taking on EVEN MORE responsibilities than I already have just to prove a point. One thing this manager said that resonated a lot for me; he said, some people will get things handed to them, and some people will have to take it. I fall under the latter category. Things will never be easy in life, even if you work hard and feel that you’re deserving of a promotion or a raise, but you really must take it, rather than sit back and wait for it to happen. I really hate that! Nobody wants to have to ask for a raise when we work so hard and we know that we’ve worked hard, especially when you’re comparing yourself to your peers. We’ll see how the review goes this year, it’s just around the corner, guess we’ll find out in my next blog post.

    In other news, I still miss my grandparents a lot. I haven’t dreamt of them as much these past few weeks. My dreams of them will come and go, some weeks, I dream of them a little more and some weeks, not so much. I’m not sure what the correlation is or if it’s associated with how many trigger warnings I get through the week. We’d see old movie clips on IG reels and I’ll be reminded that it’s one of grandma’s favorite movies or scenes. She and I are so much alike, we’d watch and rewatch the same shows over and over again, it could be because we loved the storyline or it could be because we loved the main characters, but it brings so much comfort, even after watching the same show over 10 times.

    Sometimes I wonder, can you learn to un-love someone that’s no longer a part of your life? I know it’s an odd question lol. I’m a firm believer that you can un-love someone, because I did. It wasn’t like I “transferred” that love from one person to another. I just learned to stop loving and stop caring. It wasn’t easy and it took me a very long time to do that, but it’s possible. But am I going to learn to un-love my grandparents someday? It’s not that I want to, but I’m afraid that one day, I’ll somehow stop loving them. Have you ever tried to un-love someone? For the sake of your own well-being? Nobody can ever replace my grandparents in my heart, and nobody will because they have a special place in my heart. But I am terrified that one day, I’ll forget what it’s like to love them – I hope that I never stop loving them. As much as it hurts that they’re no longer here with us, I’d much rather bear the pain of missing them and longer for their presence than to learn to un-love them. Tell me, what’s the most painful thing you’ve gone through? It could be emotional, it could be physical, and I guess it could be hypothetical too?