Fall...in order

    There's so much that I would love to write about but I've been feeling a bit burnt out lately, not going to lie.  I started my Fall semester this past week and my courses are now in person. I tried to nab the online courses but of course, those get snatched up pretty quickly. I'm not sure why my registration appointment is so late either - so that doesn't help! Anyway, I have 4 classes this semester, trying to add a 5th (or maybe 6th) depending on the workload!

    Work has been tremendously busy as of late. I find myself working a lot of overtime, but I usually do not clock those hours because it's not every day that I work a full 8 - there are some slow days in between but very far and few in between lately.  I continue to learn a lot at my job as well, hoping to make project engineer by next year if possible. It's not an easy climb, but I am determined. 

    Earlier this week, Joey took us to Vegas for some alone time so that we can relax before I started Fall. My generous friend gave us a comped room at Aria from Sun thru Thurs. She even gave us her members player card so we can enjoy free valet parking as well. There was also a $150 dining credit that she let us use! Our trip was nothing short of amazing!  We ate and slept and spent some quality time together. We usually drive to Vegas and so we drove. This time, we took the Tesla so that we can get the experience of traveling in a Tesla lol. We stopped at Eddie World to recharge and it was extremely quick with the superchargers. We spent probably no more than 20 minutes to charge enough for us to reach our next destination. It was a little nerve-wracking because we weren't sure if we'd make it with enough charge lol. We made it to Aria with about 10% left and fortunately, they have chargers on site! WOOHOO! So while we stayed at Aria, we were able to have our car charged there.  SO SO SO convenient! 

    I know people say that grieving has no deadline or timeline and they're not wrong.  I am still grieving over the loss of my grandparents. There are still days when I feel nothing but guilt. Guilt because I was the one that verbally gave the medical team the green light to switch them both to comfort care - to cease all efforts to save them. Although they explained to me, over and over again that it was the best decision for them because they will never come back the same IF they recover. However, 9 out of 10 times, they do not recover. And they would need to intubate them and inject a deep IV line to feed them. Both of my grandparents were afraid of pain - they may not have wanted them if they were given the choice. At least that's what we want to believe. And the medical team explained that if they intubated my grandparents, it might tear their esophagus and they would have to do it rather forcefully. I couldn't bear to have them suffer through the pain and misery. But I am still having such a hard time letting them go. They have been gone for over a year now but it still feels like yesterday. I know the guilt is eating me alive and it's probably the root of some of my ongoing health issues or why I haven't felt "good" about myself. Work and school stress, lack of sleep, and sometimes the long nights/weekends when I have floral work have taken a toll on me, both physically and mentally. I have been struggling to lose weight - in fact, I've only been gaining weight despite my diet.

    I know Joey has been coddling me for the last 2 years. He takes care of all the chores at home, pays all the bills, caters to me, and takes great care of me. It's probably because he's hurting too when he sees me in pain. Joey can't bear to see me sad or in pain. I rarely have to lift a finger even when we're out. If we were shopping, he'd carry the bags, carries my water bottle, opens all the doors for me, carries all my flowers when we pick up supplies, and load and unloads the car when we go to Costco or grocery shopping. Somedays, he'll meet me in the driveway when I come home and helps me carry my purse or backpack. I never imagined someone loving me the way he does, it still does not feel real and it has only gotten better as we continue to grow older together. And it really scares me because it feels too good to be true. And after losing both my grandparents and his dad all in the same year, I'm traumatized. I'm worried that the universe is messing with me. I'm worried that someday, the universe is going to take him away from me. I know Joey and I have only been together for 11 years, but I don't know how to live without him. I almost forgot what it was like before him. Was I happy? Was I content? Was I living my best life before he became a part of it? I am definitely living my best life now. Without him or his support, I wouldn't have gotten where I am today. When I have my doubts, he reminds me that I'm capable of achieving my goals. He encourages me every day and tells me how proud he is of me. He's excited about my achievements. Maybe the universe did put him here so that he can be my cheerleader, because someday I was going to lose my biggest cheerleader, and that was Grandma. Maybe the universe knew that I needed someone to love me while my grandma is waiting for me on the other side. Whatever the reason may be, I don't want to question it anymore. I am just thankful for such a wonderful husband. He's already planning a trip to celebrate my graduation even though it's still 2 semesters away and another trip for our late honeymoon. Thank you, Hubby. Thank you for everything that you do for us. Thank you for loving me the way you do. Thank you for always putting me first. Thank you for giving me the world - even though I never thought it'd be true the first time I heard you say it while we were just dating. Thank you for being my "too good to be true" fairytale. Thank you for proving that blissful marriages do exist and that I deserved it.  


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