Reflection - Almost Anniversary...

    So, tomorrow will be my Grandparent’s Anniversary Temple Service.  The service is to “celebrate” their anniversary.  It is also when we will be officially moving them into their new “home”, which is the altar where the rest of their ancestors are being honored.  Some people will know this as the altar or the shrine, they’re used interchangeably.  I, myself, am not especially religious but since my grandparents were, we want to respect their religious beliefs and honor them in the way they’ve always believed in.  It’s a form of respect, it’s us showing our love, us saying our very final goodbyes – in a very traditional and “Chinese” way.  

    This last year went by extremely fast – I can’t believe that we’ve been without them for almost a full year.  I can openly admit that I am still grieving, and I don’t know how long it’s going to take me, but I’m okay with that because I have loved them for so long that I know it’s not something I will get over in a year, two, or maybe even five. This may be something I’ll live with forever.  There are still days where I just lay in bed and be sad.  Though I don’t always voice it, but I think when Joey comes into the bedroom to check on me, he sees it in my eyes, and it’s written all over my face.  He’d kiss me on the forehead or climb in bed and lay there with me in silence and just let me be.

    Not a lot of people know it, but we lost Joey’s Dad right before Thanksgiving last year.  We had a very quiet and peaceful funeral for my FIL on December 8^th.  Never in a million years would I imagine that we’d start the year with a double funeral and ended the same year with another.  My heart shattered so many times last year, that I know it’s going to take me a long time to mend.  Luckily for me, I dreamt of all 3 of them last night.  I dreamt of my FIL for the first time since he passed.  He was the same FIL I have always known him to be, happy, healthy, and always asking me if I was hungry and if I wanted him to make me something to eat.  He was smiling when he was talking to me.  I dreamt of Grandma and Grandpa, too.  Grandma told me to give my bestie a red envelope for her new home.  To congratulate her, to tell her that she’s proud because it’s not easy to buy a home on your own.  The last few times I dreamt of Grandpa; I only felt his presence.  He never spoke to me, but he was always smiling at me.  So, I know he must be at peace and that he’s happy.  I hope that they’ll continue to visit me in my dreams because I miss them so much.  I knew they loved me, quite a bit.  Though I was only able to call my FIL “ah ba” for 5 years, but he already treated me like his own very early on in my relationship with Joey.  I can honestly say, both his parents loved us equally as much – even before we became man & wife.

    I know we’re supposed to say our final goodbyes, but I was not ready, and almost a year later, I am still not ready.  I love it when people tell me that I look like Grandma and that we have the same mischievous smile – because it’s a sweet reminder that I’ll always carry her with me.  I hope that my memory will always remain sharp so that I can hold on to our memories longer.  I’m sad that we won’t be creating new memories together.  I am also sad that if Joey and I are lucky enough to have children, they will not get to meet them.  My bestie twin said that Grandpa & Grandma went to heaven to pick out our future babies, so they don’t end up spoiled like Tofu (lol).  And that FIL went to give them a hand.  I told Joey that it was probably my fault because I kept joking about how I wanted triplets, 2 boys and 1 girl.  The universe took 3 people from our lives last year, 2 males and 1 female.  *SIGH* Do you think the universe is fair like that?  That it’ll return what it took from me?