Milestone Birthday - A bittersweet One

 

    Well, hello there!  It’s been a minute since I’ve jotted my thoughts down.  It’s been such a weird time for me.  I feel like I’m still in the grieving stage, maybe still a little bit in the denial stage as well.  Yesterday was a milestone birthday for me.  Joey kept asking me what I wanted to do or how I’d like to celebrate it and I kept brushing him off.  I told him I don’t think I’d want to celebrate it because this is the first birthday without my grandparents in my life anymore.  Joey ended up planning a mini surprise birthday party for me and only invited a handful of people that I speak to everyday.  We kept it small; my parents, my brothers, PT, my twin & his husband all came over to our house to enjoy an intimate kbbq.  It was nice to be surrounded by those that love me unconditionally.  Mom & Dad gave me a big red envelope; the biggest I’ve ever received (monetary).  Joey slaved pretty much all week, cleaning the house, prepping the food, planning, and organizing the party for me.  He also surprised me with a beautiful LV handbag; my very first LV.  I told him to return it because it’s too expensive and he kept encouraging me to keep it because he made money on his investments and wanted to spoil me with something nice.  I’m extremely lucky and grateful for him.  He’s been such a trooper while I grieved.  On bad days, tears would just stream down my face without any warning.  He’d give me hugs, rub m back and tell me it’s okay.  Grandpa and Grandma knows that I miss them and that they’re at peace.  I haven’t dreamt of Grandma in a while now.  The last time I dreamt of her was probably 2-3 weeks ago.  I did dream of Grandpa last week, finally.  The last time I dreamt of him was the night before he passed, he was so happy…so I want to believe that he was at peace and he was telling me that he lived a really good life, filled with good food and joy.  But both times that I dreamt of Grandpa, he didn’t speak to me, he just laughed a lot.  A hearty and happy laugh that stemmed from the belly.  The last few times I dreamt of Grandma, she told me that she was still here, that she was just hiding out in her room.  Sadly, since their passing and after we’ve tried to organize their personal effects, I haven’t been able to bring myself to walk into their room.  I can’t stomach the pain; the minute I saw their room as I walked by, I started to feel my anxiety kick in.  I felt my heart was sinking to the ground, my knees almost buckling beneath me and tears welled up; I didn’t want to lose them all over again – as ridiculous as that sounds because of the obvious.  I still miss them so very much.  I told Joey that I wished they’d come visit me for my birthday.  He said they’re Chinese, they’ll visit me on my lunar birthday…let’s hope that’s true. 

    Although this birthday was a sad one, it was also one where I truly felt loved and cherished.  Everyone catered to me for once.  I didn’t have to do much.  Typically, I planned my own birthday gathering and prepped all the food/drinks.  My wonderful husband planned a nice birthday surprise for me and spoiled me rotten for my milestone birthday.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I won the lottery with this one.  I have never ever been this spoiled, ever.  I never had to worry about anything, he took care of everything and he takes great care of me.  No matter what I ask for, whether it’s big or small, he’ll do it for me.  If I wanted to visit our grandparents, he’d go with me, rain or shine.