What is grief?

 

              My sleeping schedule has been off again.  And lately, my chest has been doing the whole fluttering thing when I slept.  I’ve been feeling restless.  I haven’t felt this way in a long time, it’s not a good feeling.  It feels as if something dark is just lurking around the corner.  I can’t put my finger on it.  The last time I really felt this way was more than 10 years ago.  When I used to cry myself to sleep.  But this, this is different.  What I’ve learned while dealing with the loss of my grandparents is that, there are moments of grief but it hasn’t been constant.  As heartbroken as I’ve felt, I think all the wonderful memories and moments we shared together helped overcome that grief or at least brought me some comfort.  Also, I’m usually really good at remembering what I dreamt about and can recall most details in the morning.  Lately, I haven’t remembered much about what I’d dream about.  I only mentioned it to Joey and nobody else.  A few days ago, my Mom had mentioned the same thing…that she couldn’t recall any of her dreams since Grandpa and Grandma’s passing.  I’d like to believe that they came to visit us but took the memories away with them so that we don’t have to miss them or feel the loss.  Because in a way, I feel more comfort than a sense of loss.  I have also been busier these days and haven’t had the time to really think about or be sad over losing them.  Until now that is.  It’s 2:43am right now, which is around the same time I was blogging the night before.

              I used to associate crying with grief but that’s not necessarily true.  Thinking back now on all the other times that I “thought” I was feeling a sense of loss, I really wasn’t.  It was more like a pity party that I was throwing myself.  You know what I mean?  Like you’re feeling sorry for yourself because things didn’t turn out the way you wanted.  Feeling grief over the loss of a loved one is different.  It’s a roller coast of emotions.  Perhaps it’s because I’m older now, but I feel like I have better control over my emotions.  I’ll still cry without so much of a warning, but I don’t have high or low days…it’s pretty constant and consistent.  Over the years, I’ve always dealt with anger or frustrations by throwing myself at work.  I poured all my free time into work.  That’s one thing that hasn’t changed about me, I still turn to work when I don’t want to confront my emotions.  My day job has kept me pretty busy, but I’d find myself taking on floral work even when my schedule is filled to the brim.          

              I also know that losing my grandparents is starting to take a toll on my body.  I’ve been experiencing lower back pains for 2 weeks now, going on 3.  I have also gained quite a bit of weight in the last month alone.  I haven’t been sleeping at night and moving about the day like a zombie.  The pandemic hasn’t helped the situation either.  Ironically, covid-19 was the cause of their untimely deaths.  If it weren’t for covid-19, I’m pretty confident that they’d still be here with us today and everything would be so different.  I know we can’t put a timeline on grief, but I want to give myself another month and then I need to get myself out of this funk.  I need to get back to being me again.  I need to get healthier.  I need to have a good and clear mental state because I start school in the Fall and pursue my BS degree.  My grandma would’ve been so proud if she knew.  She had always wanted the best for all of us. 

              Putting my business on hold while I dealt with our loss gave me a renewed sense of motivation towards the business.  Grandma believed that I could do it when most people had doubts.  I want to continue the business in her honor.  I want her to know that she wasn’t wrong for believing in me.  And I want her to see that she was right about me, that I have what it takes to make it work.  I also want her to know that I respected her and I still do.  I will always hold her near and dear to my heart.  I will always make my decisions with her in my mind because she always knew the right thing to do.  I love you, Grandma.