What is grief?
My sleeping schedule has been off
again. And lately, my chest has been
doing the whole fluttering thing when I slept.
I’ve been feeling restless. I
haven’t felt this way in a long time, it’s not a good feeling. It feels as if something dark is just lurking
around the corner. I can’t put my finger
on it. The last time I really felt this way
was more than 10 years ago. When I used
to cry myself to sleep. But this, this
is different. What I’ve learned while
dealing with the loss of my grandparents is that, there are moments of grief
but it hasn’t been constant. As
heartbroken as I’ve felt, I think all the wonderful memories and moments we
shared together helped overcome that grief or at least brought me some
comfort. Also, I’m usually really good
at remembering what I dreamt about and can recall most details in the
morning. Lately, I haven’t remembered
much about what I’d dream about. I only mentioned
it to Joey and nobody else. A few days
ago, my Mom had mentioned the same thing…that she couldn’t recall any of her
dreams since Grandpa and Grandma’s passing.
I’d like to believe that they came to visit us but took the memories
away with them so that we don’t have to miss them or feel the loss. Because in a way, I feel more comfort than a
sense of loss. I have also been busier
these days and haven’t had the time to really think about or be sad over losing
them. Until now that is. It’s 2:43am right now, which is around the
same time I was blogging the night before.
I used to associate crying with grief
but that’s not necessarily true.
Thinking back now on all the other times that I “thought” I was feeling
a sense of loss, I really wasn’t. It was
more like a pity party that I was throwing myself. You know what I mean? Like you’re feeling sorry for yourself
because things didn’t turn out the way you wanted. Feeling grief over the loss of a loved one is
different. It’s a roller coast of
emotions. Perhaps it’s because I’m older
now, but I feel like I have better control over my emotions. I’ll still cry without so much of a warning,
but I don’t have high or low days…it’s pretty constant and consistent. Over the years, I’ve always dealt with anger
or frustrations by throwing myself at work.
I poured all my free time into work.
That’s one thing that hasn’t changed about me, I still turn to work when
I don’t want to confront my emotions. My
day job has kept me pretty busy, but I’d find myself taking on floral work even
when my schedule is filled to the brim.
I also know that losing my
grandparents is starting to take a toll on my body. I’ve been experiencing lower back pains for 2
weeks now, going on 3. I have also
gained quite a bit of weight in the last month alone. I haven’t been sleeping at night and moving about
the day like a zombie. The pandemic hasn’t
helped the situation either. Ironically,
covid-19 was the cause of their untimely deaths. If it weren’t for covid-19, I’m pretty
confident that they’d still be here with us today and everything would be so different. I know we can’t put a timeline on grief, but
I want to give myself another month and then I need to get myself out of this funk. I need to get back to being me again. I need to get healthier. I need to have a good and clear mental state
because I start school in the Fall and pursue my BS degree. My grandma would’ve been so proud if she
knew. She had always wanted the best for
all of us.
Putting my business on hold while
I dealt with our loss gave me a renewed sense of motivation towards the
business. Grandma believed that I could
do it when most people had doubts. I want
to continue the business in her honor. I
want her to know that she wasn’t wrong for believing in me. And I want her to see that she was right
about me, that I have what it takes to make it work. I also want her to know that I respected her
and I still do. I will always hold her
near and dear to my heart. I will always
make my decisions with her in my mind because she always knew the right thing
to do. I love you, Grandma.
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